Picnic with aliens (script and video)
Scene: mountain cabin in upstate New York
CARL: Tim? What do you want to eat? (picks up skillet examines it, mumble to himself) This will need oil if we won’t want to come back next spring and find it full of rust. Boy, do I miss civilization.
TIM: (standing just outside the kitchen on a deck overlooking a valley) You act as if you didn’t enjoy yourself.
CARL: Of course, I enjoyed myself. But you can get tired of anything after long enough.
TIM: Such as what?
CARL: Well, I miss warm showers, for one thing. And regular meals for another.
TIM: You didn’t go hungry will all we had to hunt
CARL: That’s not what I meant by regular. If I never see another trout or piece of venison I won’t miss them.
TIM: I’ll remind you of that in January when you’re aching to come back.
CARL: I’m sure I’ll missing living rugged. But right now I miss clean sheets, flannel napkins and the sauna at the club. I even miss hearing the taxi beeping at the curb.
TIM: And your students? Do you miss them?
CARL: No, I’ll admit that. I dread going back to the class room. I’d rather face the bears up here. After three months in the wilderness, I’m not sure I can be trusted in politic society. But you didn’t answer me. What do you want to eat?
TIM: (still staring out at the valley mumbles) Eggs.
CARL: I know you love the view. But what the hell are you looking at so intently?
TIM: (mumbles and shrugs)
CARL: (Laughs) You and that view. Our whole hike up here you couldn’t talk about anything else. I thought you were crazy. Especially when I saw how privative the arrangements were. This cabin must have been built when the Mayflower landed. I kept asking for the sauna; you kept point to the shower stall – on the outside of the building. That’s the one time I was certain I wanted to kill you.
Then I saw the view. You were right. All the climb, all the sleeping on hard ground, all of the cold showers was worth it for that.
But why I really came was to get a glimpse of you. To get a taste of this world you kept saying you needed to get away to.
TIM: I’m not sure what we got away to.
CARL: Tim? Are you all right? You sound so strange.
TIM: Maybe, maybe not.
CARL: You’re acting stranger than usual. So how do you want your eggs?
TIM: Eggs?
CARL: Lunch, boy. We’ll want to eat.
TIM: I don’t want any eggs.
CARL: But you said…
TIM: Hamburger sounds good and maybe some mushrooms.
CARL: Mushrooms? But you hate mushrooms.
TIM: I want mushrooms now.
CARL: All right, you’ll get mushrooms. I brought them for me. But they’ll only go to waste if we don’t use them today. You certainly have changed. Back in Manhattan, you wouldn’t’ touch Mushrooms with a stick.
TIM: Just cook the burgers.
CARL: I said all right. God, isn’t this place quiet today?
TIM: Too quiet.
CARL: Tim, I’m worried about you. It’s not like you to say anything bad about this place
TIM: I didn’t say anything bad. But there is something queer going on here, and I’m a little concerned about what it might me.
CARL: Now you’re scaring me. What is it?
TIM: I don’t know.
CARL: You must know something to be so concerned.
TIM: It’s just a feeling.
CARL: Oh, no, not that again.
TIM: Why do you say that?
CARL: Because I know where all this is leading to, and I don’t want any part of it.
TIM: Part of what?
CARL: Of that psychic thing of yours
TIM: You act as if I can help it
CARL: Maybe you can. Maybe you can’t. I just wish you would keep quiet about it when that kind of thing gets a hold of you.
TIM: I would. But you always ask what the matter is and pester me until I tell you.
CARL: And then you tell me the most God-awful things like that bus crash in New Jersey and the fire near the pier.
TIM: Those are only the things you remember. I’ve told you a lot of other less spectacular things.
CARL: Every one of them scares me as much. It’s not normal to see into the future.
TIM: And you’re the one to say what is normal?
CARL: You’re always telling me how ordinary I am?
TIM: That was a criticism, Carl, not a complement. You are so locked into the treadmill; you can’t stand anything new or exciting.
CARL: I came here with you didn’t I?
TIM: After I browbeat you for years
CARL: I’m here and now you’re telling me this place might be as bad as the city.
TIM: I never said that. I said things were too quiet.
CARL: Which for you is a harbinger of doom.
TIM: I won’t deny that something is disturbing me, but doom is putting it a little strongly.
CARL: Let’s not talk about it any more, okay? I didn’t break my back to get here so that I could get upset. I could have stayed in the city for that.
TIM: Whatever you say.
CARL: How do you want your hamburger?
TIM: (mumbles again)
CARL: Tim, did you hear me?
TIM: Yes, but I think you should come see this, Carl?
CARL: See what?
TIM: You need to see it to believe it.
CARL: (Puts down the skillet) All right, I’m going. But if you’re going to show me another bear or mountain lion I’ll scream.
TIM: Just hurry
CARL: (steps out onto the deck) I don’t see anything
TIM: (points) there.
CARL: You mean the jet airliner high up?
TIM: It is not a jet. Airliners do not make hairpin turns like those.
CARL: What does then?
TIM: Nothing on earth.
CARL: You’re scaring me again.
TIM: I’m a little scared myself
CARL: Don’t be mean, Tim. Just because I disagree with you, doesn’t justify you’re getting even with me like this.
TIM: This is not my doing. I’m not getting even.
CARL: Yes you are. You’re trying to work me up by pointing to marsh gas or a weather balloon and implying they might be …
TIM: UFOs?
CARL: They are not space ships.
TIM: If not what are they?
CARL: The government must be doing some kind of experiment up here.
TIM: I don’t think our government has anything like those
CARL: Whatever they are, they don’t concern us.
TIM: I’m not so certain.
CARL: Come eat before your hamburger gets cold.
TIM: I’m not hungry anymore.
CARL: Starve then. See if I care. But if this is as strange as you make out, maybe we should call the sheriff.
TIM: We have no telephone.
CARL: No, but we have the citizens band radio and he said he would keep an ear open for us. He thought we were crazy coming up here in the first place, two rich city kids looking for kicks.
TIM: Maybe you should try. And then ask the sheriff to call the Air Force. I’m sure they’ll need to know about this.
CARL: Stop it, Tim, please!
TIM: Just make the call, Carl.
CARL: Fine, I will (he picks up the walked talkie) Hello? Hello? No one is responding, Tim.
TIM: I’m not surprised. I’m told electronics can get fouled up when these things are around. They call it the pulse.
CARL: I call it dead batteries. Which is lucky we don’t have a real emergency up here. But now I’m really worked. I don’t like the idea of being totally out of touch. One of us might have to hike down to the general store and gets some fresh batteries. And while we’re there we can call the sheriff and tell him about these weather balloons of yours
TIM: It’s not the batteries. These are not weather balloons. But I agree we should get out of here before something happens.
CARL: What could happen?
TIM: You told me not to tell you about things like that.
CARL: Hints are worse.
TIM: Let’s just get off this mountain. Get your knapsack – and both rifles.
CARL – Rifles, really?
TIM – Just do it.
CARL: What about our food?
TIM: Leave it.
CARL: And have a bear waltz in here while we’re gone?
TIM: A bear’s the least of our problems right now.
CARL: At least let me…
TIM: Carl!
CARL: All right, all right, I’ll leave the stuff to rote. But you seem awful upset for someone who knows so little about space ships.
TIM: You forgot the rifles, and get extra ammunition while you’re at it.
CARL: Are you planning a war? Don’t you think you should leave fighting aliens to the Air Force?
TIM: I think we should be prepared. Now hurry up before they get here.
CARL: Then you do known something?
TIM: I know you won’t like what happens if they catch us here.
CARL: So it’s that psychic thing. You know more than you’re telling me.
TIM: I only sense something
CARL: Sense what, Tim, tell me that
TIM: Hunger, intense hunger, and not for hamburger. Now let’s get out of here while we still can.
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